2014년 12월 6일 토요일

Final Draft


Jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind.
"The grass is always greener on the other side" or "Turning green with envy" are revealed the jealousy. Jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions we can experience. Look around ourselves, now day, we can feel this emotion from our friends, families, teachers or some stars. However, most of people do not regard jealousy is dangerous. Therefore, here is an example to show you the dangerous of jealousy. There is a man continuously proposing to a woman. But he makes her cloying. So, she deliberately makes a fake boyfriend to let him give up her. However, this behavior makes the man jealousy. Finally, he cannot control his feeling to kill his lover and even her mother at her house. After my story, I want to ask you a question, "How do you react when you feel jealousy?" Today, I insist jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind to tell you about its dangerous.

  There are most of people confused with the meaning of words which are "envy" and "jealousy", but these words have different meaning. I define them at first. When people feel envy, it is because they want the possessions or qualities of another’. Briefly, envy wants to wish we had something that another person has. On the other hand, jealousy believes that something that somehow belongs to them is been given to somebody else. Briefly, jealousy revealed a fear of losing something we have to another person. However, it is difficult to understand if I only define them in the words. Here are some examples to help you to understand easily. If the men feel resentment because they do not have a beautiful wife like their friend, then this would be envy. While if they that their own wife was having an affair with their friend, then this would be jealousy. Are you surely recognizing about the differences between the "envy" and "jealousy"?

After these, you will be wonder why people feel jealousy. Or is it really dangerous for us? Feeling jealousy has many reasons. Typically, low self esteem, fear of being alone, past traumas and bad experiences and mental health problems, all of these factors can raise the jealousy. Then, jealousy is how dangerous? According to finding of study of David M. Buss, there are 5,000 people in this study. There are 84% of women and 91% of men admitted that they imaged the murder at least one. Moreover, now day, there are more and more people kill another due to jealousy.

  Jealousy is the most dangerous emotion for human mind. Can you feel that? Then, I will tell you more detail about them.

  First, jealousy will hurt people who are ours and the others. Then, we are talking about us at first. When you watch the Korean drama, some kinds of romantic movies and love story books, can you find some common? Yes! All of them reveal the emotion of jealousy. Examplarily, at the stories, there would have the love triangle. For example, if there is a pretty girl, then there would have two or more than two boys fall in love. When this girl loves a boy who loves her, then, the others will feel jealousy. We also can see this happening at the drama:

  Lately, at the most popular Korea drama "Qi Empress", we can find that at drama there are all of people feel jealousy to others. Like, the king of Yuan Dynasty is jealousy the king of Goryeo because the main girl character loves him. We can know he reveal this emotion for behaviors. However, the queen of Yuan Dynasty revealed her emotion by the behavior of killing through an assassination.

  Like this example, we can know that they reveal their emotions through some actions such as hurting other or falling someone into dangerous. I refer the dangerous of jealousy that was because when this emotion get to abnormal and pathological levels that they can become dangerous not only to a friendship or relationship, but also life itself.
Psychologist Shauna Spriner (Ph.D.) says that jealousy is destructive emotion comes from deep rooted anxiety and lack of self esteem. I insist that jealousy hurts others and us. Psychologists agree my opinion. Moreover, I think people feel jealousy is due to comparing me with others. If I finish some works through all my efforts, I would be happy to finish them. However, if I compare it with others, I will think that "his result is better than me. I am poor at all of them, I am fool." Gradually, those who compare themselves with others will feel despondency, even those will choose suicide.

  Second, we accept the facts to distort due to jealousy. People usually only hear and watch someone's the other side, for example, when students talk about a very pretty super star. Then, you will say that her face is not the nature, she did a plastic surgery. When you faced with a happening that makes you to feel jealousy, you will deny it as you can. Here is an interesting story let you understanding more easily:

  There is one sweet potato and one potato. Walking around the roads, they see a beautiful glutinous rice cake. Potato says, "Glutinous rice cake is very pretty. Look, her face is so fluffy and white!" However, the sweet potato think of herself and jealousy her, says "She is not pretty!" Hearing the chatter, glutinous rice cake is shy and avoiding the space. At that time, sweet potato see some white powder falls off from glutinous rice cake's body and says, "Look, that is making up!"

  How about this story? Is it interesting? Like this, the degree of jealousy from chatting between friends we can say it is a joke. However, If you were denying the facts that are about the Council or the Government, how would be happen? I can certainly it will make us shameful due to disorder. Denying the facts will make many problems that are our personal relationships or any political problems, even the results we cannot image. Therefore, we should control our emotion to prevent these problems.

  Finally, jealousy will raise social confusion. Most of our bad emotions are coming from jealousy. For instance, upset, angry, sadness, despair, we can feel them through jealousy. However, we cannot believe that the first of child in the world is a murder in the Bible. He is jealous of his only brother to make this result. Here is a story about them:

  Temptation of Adam and Eve have two sons, they are Cain and Abel. Cain is a farmer and Abel is a shepherd boy. Both of them perform ancestral rites to God using their labor result. However, the God only accept Abel's one. That is because Cain only performs perfunctory, there is not any elaboration. But Cain cannot know his mistake, he is jealousy his brother. Finally, he kills his own brother, just due to jealousy.

  Moreover, in the reality, there are also a lot of people killing others just due to jealousy like Cain. We need to recognize our mistakes. Thus, when we face with jealousy, first of all, it is not hurting or complaining others, it needs to control your mind and contemplates yourself first. Then, it can reduce some confusion for our society and country.
 
  However, the opponents argue that jealousy is not one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind. It helps us to make a motive for us, it means jealousy is our power. I concede their arguments. Sometimes we get some motivations from jealousy. For example, there is a boy who has an older brother. When he saw his brother read books, the little boy also followed him to read book. This behavior is not only because of his curiosity, but also he is jealous of his older brother because the older brother can get his mothers' compliment. However, according to these three opinions, I cannot see better this little brothers’ behavior. Jealousy is very dangerous, it also can build up. Moreover, this younger brothers' jealousy also can reveal to different types. For example, when the younger boy saw his brother takes compliments from his mother. He will reveal his jealousy through tearing off his brother's books. For this reason, sometimes I concede the opponents' arguments, but most of times I regard the jealousy is one of the dangerous emotion for human mind.  

  In briefly, jealousy damages the mind and body of human, denies the facts and causes some problems. Therefore, I insist the jealousy is one of the most dangerous emotions for human mind. Do not have any solutions to resolve this emotion? Here are some tips for you. When you experience jealousy, it means you are not trust you, you don't have any powerful confidence. To overcome it, you need to take some mind that you are every precious in the world and you are very valuable. If you cannot overcome yet, then how about talking with your friends?

 

Week 14 Peer Review- 20513 이경락

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
This essay can get four points. Because the context is very good, thus, the theme is very funny and the researches and arguments are very clear.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

Because this essay is about school bullying. Therefore, I think if the author increases her examples about school bullying at school, in addiction I think if she defines the words of some words of psychological, such as zero tolerance policy( we are already know about it, but there are other people will be confused of it), essay would be better.

Thesis
What is the thesis?
Psychological approach is a better way to resolve school bullying than punishment.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Psychological approach is better than punishment when we resolve school bullying.

Any other thoughts?
Her essay is very interesting. First of all, her researches are very reasonable and her examples are very proper. Moreover, I think because I am a student, so understanding this problems is better than other ones.

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
Her structures are very good. Moreover, the classical arguments are very clear and easy to understand. However, I think if she uses the words of psychological experts at the refutation will be more persuadable.  

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The introduction catches my attention. She thinks that all of us are students. Therefore, she talks about our daily life in school to start the essay. Thus, her thesis statement are very logical and lead to very comfortably.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes. At her narration, there is enough information to tell the background of the topic. Moreover, she uses proper statistic data to support her narration.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

Yes. She uses good data to support the thesis. Moreover, her arguments are very hard and supporting her arguments uses logical explanation. Therefore, she adequately supports the thesis statement of the essay. 

 
Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
I think the counterpoint is very logical. She compares the people who should be punished students who bully others and the people who should not be punished them, we should through psychological to resolve the problem. She considers the other side’s opinions very clearly and refutes them.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?

Yes. I think she uses the data that the bullied students feel suicide. Through this data, she wants to support her topic that resolves school bullying through psychological is better than punish them.  

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

Her essay is already very perfect. I think if she uses more the fact examples about school bullying, the essay will be more reinforcement.

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I disagree with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I agree with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

When I read the second parts of the essay, I feel that effects of environments also influence adolescents psychologically and then cause school violence. Therefore, I changed my mind.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

The author uses more fact examples to support her arguments will be more persuasive than before, I think.

Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes

Is the research from appropriate sources?

Yes.

Are the sources obvious?

Yes.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

Yes.
 
Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
I think it already very nice.

2014년 12월 4일 목요일

Week 14 Peer Review - 20511 백해진

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

This essay should get four points. The structure is very clear and perfect. In addiction she uses some graphs let us easy to understand. Thus, the basic and proper research supports her arguments.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
I think there are a lot of statistic data in each paragraphs, reducing a few of them and taking some examples will better than before.  

Thesis
What is the thesis?
Information come from media can be harmful because usually it contains exaggerated and sensational contents. Therefore, we should critically accept media by setting one’s own criterion.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?

Yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Accepting the information from media is not always benefit for us.

Any other thoughts?

This essay is very interesting and funny. Before I read this essay, I did not know the media is harmful for us. Moreover, through her researching and essay I learned a lot.

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
Her classical arguments are very good. However, when I read narration, I find some mistakes. There are too many information and statistic data at her narration. Through some statistics data or the other information making us easy to understand is very good point. But I think when she writes her narration should examine both sides of issue or some popular opinions on both sides say.  

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The introduction catches my attention. She uses Malcolm X’s word to let us attention to her essay, it is very good point. Moreover, her thesis is very clear and comfortably.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?

Yes, but if she tells us some opposes’ opinions or the other issue about the opinion of the affirmative side, it will better than now. But, generally, her narration gives all the necessary background information to understand the topic.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?

Yes. She uses good explanation to support the thesis. Moreover, at the narration or the other paragraphs use many statistics data or the words of experts adequately to support the thesis.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?

I think the counterpoint is very logical. She compares the people who are the affirmative side to argue that the media do not affect human and the people who are the negative side to take some information and explanations let us easily to accept her arguments. Her refutation responds in a reasonable manner. Therefore, her refutation is very reasonable.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?

Yes. I think her conclusion is saying that the dangerous of information from some of the media, moreover, she gives us enlightenment that we cannot avoid the media in today’s society. Therefore, we should have critical eyes to accept the media. Finally, she focus on using request to tell the dangerous of media.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?

Her essay is already very good. However, there are too many statistic data or some researches in each paragraphs, therefore, if she reduces a few of them will be better than before. Moreover, I think when she writes essay, she can use some easily questions to ask the reader do they understand.

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I agree with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?

I still agree with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?

I did not change my mind. Because I learn more logical and reasonable arguments about the thesis through the essay.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?

The author enhances her arguments using the information that is some of the information is harmful at the media. In addiction she takes some children as an example to tell us the dangerous of media. Her persuasive is very nice.

Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes

Is the research from appropriate sources?

Yes.

Are the sources obvious?

Yes, the sources are obvious.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?

Yes. Her researches and the words of experts who are Choudry and Malcolm X are relevant to the thesis and her essay.  


Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
I think at the second argument should be more information or explanation for her essay be better. She takes one example to support it. I think she need to evidence to support her claims.